At this point in time it becomes apparent that a major decision needs to be made, the result of which will likely carry over to the rest of my natural life. Prior to this moment I have hid behind a sort of passive intellectualism and false claims of expertise in various fields. My free time has been spent instead on pointless and repetitive recreational activities such as video games and TV. Though I engage freely in the usage of various hallucinogenic drugs and have an above-average understanding of the complexities that go with such a lifestyle, I have done so up to this point with knowledge that is, by any honest appraisal, grossly insufficient. Spending a few minutes a day reading Erowid is no passable substitute for actual knowledge, and if I am to continue this lifestyle it is of the utmost importance that I delve much farther into the matter and become a genuine bearer of knowledge, beyond a list of effects and chemical names. Within the next few months I would be wise to spend my time reading up on McKenna, Leary, Huxley, and Burroughs, to name just a few.

No laziness should be tolerated on my part. This sudden moment of realization relates to one of the more memorable scenes in Waking Life, where the protagonist is asked somewhat of a rhetorical question by one of his dream characters about whether the most common human characteristic is fear or laziness. Though I've managed to repress the former to a certain degree I still find myself overindulgent in the latter in a way that is sickening when looked at from an objective standpoint. I have done virtually nothing during my stay on this planet so far and will likely continue this course of action if I don't perform what Thompson referred to as "an agonizing reappraisal of the situation." Though eradication is by no means necessary, recreation needs to take the back seat in favor of the increase of knowledge, so that I might be able to have actual discussions on specific topics rather than repeating generalities and trying to rationalize an answer due to insufficient understanding of the subject. The road requires that I exert the effort to walk, but at the same time it is expected that a certain gratification will come of it, not unlike a marathon runner getting an endorphin rush as a reward for his or her struggle.

For some reason my drug usage has become a defining characteristic although I never sought for it to become that way. Marijuana smoking has become a completely insignificant function of daily life, and has become that way out of habit rather than anything worthwhile. Due to it being present at all times it only seems natural that I partake in the festivities, and I now feel like I've been undermining it and treating it as more of a cheap thrill than with the respect it deserves. The same can be said of my infrequent use of hallucinogenic drugs. Despite that it's been almost a year since I've done LSD I can still sense that I haven't actually learned anything from any of my experiences with the drug. It has been looked at as simply marijuana with visuals, and although I have been quick to give criticism to those who only take the drug because they think it to be the logical continuation of smoking cannabis, my route hasn't really been any better. I think I finally understand the significance of my bad trip four years ago when I first did it. It was not some insufficient level of experience that caused the lack of control and eventual world-crushing trip that resulted from those two hits, but the lack of respect for the drug. In a way I feel like I respect it more now for a different reason, and understand McKenna's statement that the bad trips are more important than the good ones. Ego death is perhaps the least pleasant event in a person's life, but is vital if any sort of true self-fulfillment is to take place. The same could be said for all the other psychedelics I've done, and it would be wise of me to abstain from DMT until I'm able to place myself in a position where smoking it would be beneficial. In a way, I need to start again from scratch, using the drugs for what they're intended for rather than what I used to think they were intended for.

This laziness expands to just about everything else as well. Tomorrow I will go searching for another job and quit my current one as soon as I land something more desirable. I will work towards transferring to a good college for the sake of self-improvement, and will spend my spare time reading Chomsky and Wolf in an attempt to formulate a more complete world view based on actual events, rather than a vague knowledge that we as a species are moving towards something unpleasant. The general, everyday knowledge is no longer sufficient, and I will cast aside my personal comfort to achieve this new status regardless of whether or not I like it. It is not a choice I can give myself, because if given the choice I will choose wrongly as I have done before. Complete mediocrity is no decent way to live, I figure I might as well force myself to take the alternate route. If I ignore what I can see to be right, I have missed the point of life. If held at gunpoint and asked if they were proud of the way they lived, I have doubts that the marketing executive could honestly say yes, and that specific question posed with the threat of immediate death results in brutal honesty. If I were to continue my way of life as I have done before now I may as well die at this very moment. It is only through aspiration that actual meaning can be found.